Right now I am suffering with a viral chest infection, which is fecking agony as it is aggravating the damage done by plueresy a few years ago. It's worrying me but that for me and the doctor to discuss when I next see them.
But that is not what this post is about (but the context is required I feel).
You see that above has meant that I have missed 3 days of work last week and am likely to miss a few more in the upcoming week.
This I hate.
You see I hate the idea that I am letting anyone down.
I hate the idea that this, which is beyond my control (and let's be fair I have done everything I could have done [apart from moving to a continent where the temperature never gets anywhere near zero] to avoid this current bout of illness) , is going to cast a shadow over the hard work I have put in trying to establish a good name for myself.
I hate the fact that whilst I am unable to get myself to work or be in a fit enough state to work that my colleagues have to effectively double up on what they are doing day to day. They are good people, who won't grumble too much about it, but that's not the point, my illness makes their lives a little bit harder.
The daft thing is that I am only ever off sick when I really cannot perform my duties, such a now - this is not just a bit of a cold, a snuffle or the manflu, it's nasty, it hurts and if it gets any worse it's going to border on getting scary.
I hope they know that this is not something trivial and that as soon as I am able I will be back at the coal face.
I know that the above post may sound slightly self pitiful but it's not intended to be and I needed to externalise this somehow.
Saturday, 23 November 2013
Friday, 23 August 2013
My last few posts might seem a strange thing to share.
I wanted to share my thought process when I'm having a lapse in my OCD management to try and show what it's like in my head - horrible.
It's helped me, I hope it might help someone else.
I hope you who read them haven't lost any respect for me.
Now I'm feeling great and messing with some Norsk coz I can :-)
I swear this is the last I'm going to say about this but what I thought was sorted was actually one step short of sorted.
That last step has been made.
What was that step?
Realising that I don't have to choose. I can happily flit between as many languages as I damn well want to, I can never be great at speaking any of them and do you know what?
That is absolutely fine.
In fact, not just fine, that's how it is and what it is is perfectly imperfect!
Super Happy Gareth!
One day,I'll be able to write that in at least three different tongues ;-)
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
It has taken 3 days, a lot of reading of useful material that I have gathered over the years of group and individual therapy, and trusting my gut.
So the answer to part one of the question is that my desire to learn a language is a healthy one,it's the compulsive desire to be perfect at it with items inherent internal punishment that's not.
So I'm not giving up learning a language.
So the next part of the question is which language?
Now reaching this decision involved thinking about it a lot, then spending a long time purposely not thinking about it and avoiding the question all together, and then trusting my gut.
I'll get to why in a minute.
So why not Welsh, Norwegian or nothing at all?
1. not learning a language would have made me miserable.
2. My desire to learn Welsh is driven by a self loathing fuelled compulsion to be as Welsh as I possibly can be. It sets unrealistic goals that can never be achieved and it makes me miserable.
3.My drive to learn Norsk is fuelled by a compulsion to be as Viking as possible - which is daft because apart from loving Vikings and their culture I'm not one (outside of my mind) - and again leads to me being miserable.
So why German?
- quite a bit of what I learnt at school stuck so it's familiar to me.
- I have no desire to be perfect at it.
- I have a member of my family that is fluent and has offered to help me learn.
- I want to understand Rammstein lyrics.
And,this is the most important bit,
It's was my gut decision.
Under no pressure to pick one, my "gut" chose German.
For the first time in years (and I mean years) I am completely at ease with that choice.
I've done it.
It can be done.
Obsessive compulsions can be beaten.
Never give up.
Monday, 19 August 2013
What if the real victory over this is to stop?
To stop making a concerted effort to learn a language and just forget about it?
Maybe the whole drive to learn a language is a compulsion?
I can link at least two of my drives to OCD faulty thinking in part.
One I can't.
This casts some doubt on the what if.
And creates a bit of an never ending vicious cycle.
And if none of it's fun, because of this cycle, should I keep doing it?
Would stopping be letting the OCD win or would carrying on feed it?
These are questions I need to find an answer for.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, 15 August 2013
I thought I had cracked my language learning OCD cycle last week and, whilst I had made progress, I'd not quite cracked it.
But I think I have now.
Which language I'm learning isn't the issue, it's the feeling that I have to be learning one.
I do want to learn a language.
But I shouldn't feel that I have to be, or that I should be able to do it perfectly.
That's what the problem is.
So what do I do?
Well I go back to being happy with the fact that it's taken me 7 years to complete the first 7 instalments of a beginners course of SaySomethingInWelsh (excellent course by the way) and crack on with learning it be wise it's really the one that I wish I could speak fluently.
But every now and then, if I fancy having a break and dabbling German, Norsk or anything then I will - without having to ditch any other option.
You might think this sounds simple.
For you maybe it is( I hope it is).
For me, it's not and I might no succeed but I'm going to try.
Having a healthy goal is a big help.
So here it goes.
Lesson 8 of SSIW here I come :-)
Thursday, 27 June 2013
The good people who made great sacrifices during both world wars would probably not approve of the way modern Great Britain is. But they would also not agree with you not attending church, the language you use when expressing your distress,your choice of clothes or the music you listen to. Oh, and the list of things you couldn't say in public was a damn site longer that it is now.
Before you use the past to add weight to your political standpoint get the facts straight!